Love + eMotion: If You're Doing Nothing on Valentine's

I was never one of your anti-Valentine types. Before I got married, boys wined and dined me from morning to night. Sometimes I had breakfast, second breakfast, coffee, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and dancing booked months in advance. Thomas wooed me with candlelight dinners he whipped up in his kitchen or a panoramic view of woods and rivers glittering in moonlight as we sipped cocoa on the edge of a cliff.

Even after we had kids, Thomas always made sure my Valentine’s started with an enormous box of fresh flowers that somebody delivered to the house. We usually got a sitter and enjoyed a quiet dinner together and a movie. Sometimes, I surprised him with a weekend away from the kids. But in recent years as our kids got older and the bills started stacking up and our days became packed with school concerts and ballet and swim lessons, I started telling Thomas not to do anything for Valentine’s.

I’m not sure when I lost my expectation for elaborate Valentine adventures. Sadly, I got practical, I guess. Valentine’s is expensive, especially in Alaska when you are far away from family. Not only do I have to expend weeks of energy searching for a sitter willing to watch two kids for an extended period of time (one time I asked my husband to take care of the arrangements and we ended up bringing the kids with us), but the kind of adventures I wanted (snow machining, snowboarding, ice climbing, summer plans to photograph bears at the McNeil River) cost a ton.

My mother used to tell my dad not to do anything for Valentine’s Day and then got upset if he really didn’t do anything for Valentine’s. I don’t play that kind of game, but Tuesday’s show, Love and Family Relationships, got me thinking. Have Thomas and I tangled ourselves in parenting and forgotten about the point of Valentine’s Day? Do we do enough throughout the year to express our love for each other?

Dr. Susan Newman recommended: “We get caught up with our children and forget we have a partner… One thing you can do is to say every night after the children are in bed, we are going to sit down with each other and talk about something else. You can make it a time to have a cup of coffee. You can make it a time to have a glass of wine, just the two of you, talk about your day, talk about what’s bothering you. But make it a rule, it can’t be related to the children. It has to be related to the two of you.”

After our kids are in bed, Thomas and I would honestly rather watch our DVR shows or play PlayStation or read a book than talk. We’re exhausted from sleep wars, screaming kids, and tidying up a house that seems eternally in a tornadic toy mess. We’re trying to unwind from our day, not wind ourselves into a possible argument.

Lately, it seems like we get into a fight every time we try to talk. Maybe, by the time we squeeze in “talking,” our patience is thinned out and as taut as a drum. On the show, Les and Berneice Kelm claim they never argued in sixty-four years! While I don’t quite believe that’s possible, the Kelms are right that as you grow older, it’s a different kind of love. You have to take care of each other more. Everybody does have to give a bit.

The Kelms interview reminded me that I had asked the attendees of my wedding shower to write us marriage recipes or any advice they have about staying married forever. I’m not sure why I haven’t read them yet but I figured what better timing than now, on Valentine’s Day, when Thomas and I are not doing anything.

Here are some of my favorites:

• Let your children know how much you love each other every day.

• Think about meeting your spouse’s needs before your own.

• Remind yourself that attitude makes a difference.

• Say you are sorry.

• Keep your memories green.

What are some of yours?