Capitol Letters: A Dad's Perspective on Postpartum Depression

As an expectant father who made a conscious and educated choice to have a child with my partner I made calculated preparations. I read printed materials, researched information on the internet, attended a six session birth preparation class with my partner, attended a three session Dad’s Pre-natal class, and even a father’s play-group. Looking back at this 9-month period in our lives I feel like I was adequately prepared for the birth of our first child and some of the changes in our lives that would happen after it. Our birth defied most of what I had learned about this event! It also quickly introduced me to the darkness I had not taken the time to learn about or research; postpartum depression.

April 14th 2008 will be a day I will remember until my death. Around 10 a.m. in the comfort of a hotel room my partner eased into contractions that soon continued with regularity. At 10:30 I placed a call to the midwife with the details of the activity and she told me that if we wanted to slowly make our way to the birth center for comfort we could. We arrived at 11:15 and it was quickly determined that we were experiencing active labor. I barely had time to get everything unpacked from our vehicle before my partner told me politely that she would like me by her side. The rest of this event flashed before me. In the last stages of labor there were only 10 pushes before this hot, wet, and crying human being was in my hands. “It’s a boy!” I shouted as he immediately urinated on my arm. It was hot, it was part of him, and I was elated! The time was 3:07 p.m. and labor had lasted just over four and a half hours. Wow all of that preparation and effort for the birth and that was it and here he was!

Less than one week after our son’s birth-day we were challenged with mother’s milk supply and our son’s needs. We quickly made arrangements to return to Juneau from where we lived to meet with a lactation consultant. It was during this appointment that some comments were made by our consultant that opened my eyes to the disorienting and painful fact that my partner was experiencing postpartum depression.

It was impossible for me to know then and now where the lines of disappointment about her challenges with breastfeeding stopped and where the postpartum depression began. It was beyond difficult, it was beyond disappointing, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my 35 years of life! I had no time to research what the symptoms were and I had no time to research what the treatment should be. I just needed to be awake in one and a half hours to help with the next feeding!

I had a few new father friends that I met with occasionally in the first months of parenthood. We had some family friends that offered their support but it was only for the basics; meals, errands, and simple other things we needed. Although we were a family in desperate emotional need I felt like most of my contacts were initiated by me. No father ever reached out to me. The one exception was my own father who attempted to reach out in his own way at an early stage when none of us had a focused picture of what the difficulty and the enormity of the challenge was. I needed support for our new family life and for myself attempting to help my partner suffering from postpartum depression and I had none. I felt like I could not even talk to my partner about what it was she was experiencing without an eruption of tears and the shouts of raw, jagged, emotion. I often felt helpless and lost.

I never felt like we actively had a specific plan of how to deal with this encompassing challenge of postpartum depression but I know what I attempted to do for her and we survived. I encouraged mommy time with other moms and girlfriends. I promoted exercise with our son and without. I made it possible for her to nap alone with her dear cat; her first baby. I encouraged her to call and email friends. I kept us busy with events and activities. I shouldered many of the domestic duties. I shared countless feedings. I told her I loved her and our son. I know all of this helped but it was not enough. We chose to see a counselor about 3 months after our son’s birth.

I was tired and my partner was exhausted. I was frustrated and my partner was hopeless. We just needed someone to tell us that we could make it through and direct us to a plan and some resources. “It’s obvious to me that you two truly do love one another” was the most helpful thing I can remember our counselor saying. I knew that with this love we could and would make it through this dark season of life. This love is what allowed us to make it this far.

Again it is hard to know when my partner eased out of this darkness but a planned permanent transition to a new life and another town seemed to diminish the depression and move us beyond the first six months of our son’s life. It was long, disorienting, and draining period. Thankfully it was a character-building experience for our partnership and me.

If you are expectant father please take some time to educate yourself about what postpartum depression is and the symptoms. If you are a new father with a partner who is currently experiencing postpartum depression find a way to patiently help her get the care that she needs and do not be afraid to ask family or friends for support. If you are a family member or friend of a family with a new addition do not concentrate all of your energies on mom and baby. Dad may need your support too and may have been forgotten in this transitional period.

After completing a Bachelor's Degree Steve SueWing journeyed to Alaska for the first time in the early spring of 1999. Over 12 years later Steve's Alaskan adventure continues now with his partner Susan and young sons Meade and Atlas. He enjoys the challenges and rewards of fatherhood and recognizes it is the biggest adventure of his life! Steve is passionate about travel, enjoys time with family and friends, and prioritizes spending time in the outdoors. Steve wants to become a pilot someday. He writes the personal blog Alaska Dad.