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BEFORE PARENTHOOD I never looked forward to Valentine’s Day. I have had some memorable Valentine’s Day events in my life but I have never harbored any expectations about this day. My thought has always been that if you love someone you should tell them whenever possible in as many ways as possible, but parenthood has compromised my position on this odd "holiday".

Parenthood has presented many challenges to the partnership that I am committed to. One of these challenges is when and how do we express our love to one another now that we have a family? Complicating the issue for me as a father is that I feel like our sons have a monopoly on my partner’s displays of love and care. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Other fathers in my circle of friends have commented and joked with me frequently about experiencing the same feelings.

My partner and I entered into partnership knowing full well that our love was an ebb and flow arrangement. In the beginning of our commitment our love flowed often and freely with the luxury of time for ourselves and the ability to fully be in the moment when we had time together - time that was free of disruptions and any other being vying for our attention. We also had the luxury of often being in very good health and well-rested. Now that we are a family of four with two very young members, it feels more like an ebb period.

I struggle with prioritizing us. I know my partner struggles with this as well and balancing a robust family life of four that includes two young members. I know that prioritizing this "us time" is one of my biggest failures as a parent. I am hopeful that this period and commitment will not last forever. I also hope to be more proactive in making this time together happen.

                                                                            Photo credit: Abby Lowell

Sharing the family love...

This year our three year-old son and I shopped together for some flowers to show our love for this special person in our lives.  Two days before Valentine's we arrived home bearing our individually chosen and wrapped tulips. “Happy Valentines Mom,” was not only a gift to my partner but also a gift to me. It was the sincerity of this 3 year-old and the display of his love for his mother that was a gift.

I try every day to show my partner in some way my love and care for her.  These messages often become drowned-out or disrupted in the controlled chaos of our days. Valentine’s Day is now a day that I look forward to.  I know that on this day my partner and I will take the time to recognize one another. This recognition often is communicated with a card, a small gift, and some sort of small surprise. I know my partner and I share a steadfast and enduring love every day but this specific day now gives us an added reason to express it - and to teach our sons a valuable lesson about showing love on this day, and the other 364 days a year.

THIS WEEK'S NEWS in child safety has not been good.

As an admitted news-follower I do not need to look beyond the headlines of our state to see frequent and reported violence committed against children: Mother, boyfriend charged in beating death of Barrow child. Looking beyond our state and recent publicized events the violence against children is horrific; Josh Powell kills 2 young sons in ‘act of evil’ authorities say.  I try not to follow many of the grisly details. I have seen and heard enough to make my body physically hurt, and these headlines jolt my mind into thinking about what I am doing to keep our sons safe.

It’s hard to know everything my partner and I can do and foresee every act of evil against children.  We should all do what we can in our home, schools, and communities, to keep children safe, of course.

Here is my active and ever-changing approach to keep my and your children safe.

1. Communicate. From the moments our 4 year-old wakes up until he talks his way into sleep we are communicating with him. We also talk to our 6-month old son as much as possible. We are setting precedents and foundations of open-communication that we hope continue throughout their lives. My partner and I continually communicate about what is happening with our sons - good, challenging or otherwise. We are always communicating with his daycare teachers, daycare manager and the other parents in our son’s class.

2. Advocate and Participate. My partner and I are active advocates and participants in the activities and any other event that happens at the daycare our son attends.

3. Connect. When my schedule allows I attend a father’s playgroup. This is a good opportunity to connect with fathers. There is solidarity in active Fatherhood! Connecting with fathers supports and engages new fathers that are living many of the challenges that new parents face.

4. Convene. Once a month I lead a Father’s Community Café. This event provides support for fathers, grandfathers, and others that are interested in the safety and well-being of children in our community.

5. Show Up. I attend any event dealing with families and children if my schedule allows. Many of these events lack fatherhood participation.  I am an active participant and/or father-advocate when the opportunities present themselves at these events.

6. Listen. When given the opportunity I listen to other fathers and how they are participating in their children’s life and actively keeping them safe. 

7. Don't Panic. I am realistic about the safety of our community and potential threats that exist.

8. Be Informed. I subscribe to the newsletters of state and local agencies and providers that may provide any advice on parenting and children well-being. (Alaska Children's Trust)

9. Pay Attention. I follow the local news concerning events affecting children and their safety.

10. Read Up. I continue to educate myself through publications, blogs, and fatherhood resources on the internet like Fatherhood.org & SavvyDaddy.com.

By no means is this a complete list of things that can be done to insure our children’s safety. I continue to look for strategies that will increase my toolbox of approaches to child safety as I am fairly new to this position of fatherhood. Safety of our children is one of my primary concerns as a father.

THE BUSYNESS OF our daily schedule ebbs and flows similar to the tidal forces that surround our town. There are some days that are so busy and demanding that I cannot wait for them to be over; there are others that seem to be a manageable pace.

My partner and I both are engaged in full-time commitments to the workplace. My partner’s employer is a non-profit entity that supports healthy and supported birth. For these reasons alone our family is supported in policy and practice. Our youngest son currently spends half of his day with his mother in the workplace. I work for a state entity that has a distinct busy period and a slower period. My employer is very flexible with my family commitments seen and unforeseen. My direct supervisor is the mother of a child that is the similar age of our oldest son. She prioritizes family in her life and extends understanding to my family. As a supervisor of a small staff I accommodate any requests created by family challenges and priorities. My partner and I know that our family-friendly work environments are unique in policy and practice. We know many other friends and members of our community that are much more challenged in the family friendliness of their workplace.

Beyond our work hours we prioritize simple family time together daily.  At nightly dinners we exchange reports of our day, listen to one another and talk about future events and activities. During the weekend we spend as much time together as a family as our commitments allow. We prioritize at least one full day together and in practice we spend most of the weekend days together as a family.

Throwing rocks into the ocean with your son = life balance regained

With two children in our family now, I feel some guilt for volunteer commitments that I made when we were only a family of 3. I have not pared these commitments down but I am open to the reality that I may need to do so in the future. I try to coordinate my commitments to the working day as to not infringe on family time, putting more demands on my partner. Unfortunately this is not always possible and my committed time becomes a family commitment of time. This is a factor that puts our family time balance at risk. I am currently logging my volunteer hours to see what my time commitments are and then I can look at ways to minimize them or manage them better.

My partner and I are committed to quality time to one another but this seems to be the first thing that is sacrificed in our life schedule. In the moments and times that we have had the opportunity to separate ourselves from our children for brief moments we rediscover our initial connection to one-another and our commitment to life together. I have been a failure in creating these times often with my partner and prioritizing this time and I know I need to do better.

As a family we take yearly trips together and other mini-getaways as the opportunities present themselves.  My partner and I are passionate about travel and we want to expose our children to travel and as many other places in the world as we can! Time away from our daily-life-routine life is something we relish.

Without fail the daily schedule rushes in with its surprises, plans, and demands, and most days quickly flow away into history. Our family-work balance is strong. It is the other activities of our family, children, and my commitments that I find challenging. My experience has shown me that balancing family life is much easier in theory than in practice.

Keep up with Steve and his family's daily balancing act at his personal blog AKDad.com.

CABIN FEVER SEASON is upon us!

According to Wikipedia, the noticeable symptoms of cabin fever are: restlessness, irritability, paranoia, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow, dark or hail. Sound familiar?

For our family, January and February seem to be the months when the phenomenon of cabin fever is most likely to occur. Although we prioritize outside time in the rain, sleet, or snow, during this period of the year the shortness of days and the changeable forces of nature can challenge our best intentions!

Despite these best intentions to get outside daily we were challenged with the perfect storm this past week. The storm consisted of very cold temperatures and every member of our family battling the flu. This storm led to some brief moments of cabin fever. Our young sons cannot put the feelings of cabin fever into words but the symptoms were clearly evident in our older son as the week progressed. At moments he acted like a confined animal pacing in his cage, then pulling out all of his toys and distractions.

Get on your gear and go!

Up to this point of the winter I would give our family a B- for our efforts to stave off cabin fever and here's how we attempt to do that:

1. Get outside. When temperatures are in the negative this is easier said than done. It is often during these colder months that just getting dressed to get outside can burn some calories. We notice significant changes in attitudes including our own when we spend even a short amount of time outside. Our mantra: “There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear!”

2. Do fun stuff outside. Just going outside is not enough of a draw for our son when the wind is howling and the cold temperatures are felt in his breaths. We have exposed him to some outside activities that we enjoy too; sledding and skiing which he enjoys! By doing this we can all get excited about going outside despite the conditions.

Try out a new winter sport.

3. Do fun stuff inside. (Just not in your own house.) Get out of the house by visiting a mall or other indoor space where physical activity is possible. In our community we are fortunate to have indoor swimming pools, open gyms, and a field-house. We get to the pool whenever the schedule allows.

4.  Get social. Accept any invites to other homes for a change of scenery. 

5. Invite in friends. Host a family for dinner or play date.

6. Check local schools' event calendars. Attend a theater, music, or sporting event. Most schools host many of these events frequently during the winter months. 

7. Hit the playground. The darkness can add another dimension to the experience and finding the wind-sheltered areas of the playground can lead to educational conversation about how to deal with the elements of weather.

8. Go on a gallery walk. This is a family friendly event because there is a good balance of outside time and inside time and usually there are sweets along the way. Enjoying and experiencing art is just an added benefit of this experience.

9. Visit your library. It is not the best place for children to get crazy but winter weather is the best time to discover this community resource.

Turn cabin fever into outdoors chillin'. 

The darkness and inclement weather in our state can be very oppressive. Cabin fever happens to most Alaskans at some point during the year. Be prepared for it to affect you and your family and be prepared to do something to make it go away!

Steve SueWing regularly posts at his personal blog AKdad.com. For more ways to prevent cabin fever check out our list of Winter Family Fun Links. 

THE OLD YEAR is gone and with it, too, the recognized "season of giving" - this is a yearly recurrence that must be stopped!

For the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s charitable giving is en vogue - many people are donating time and resources to others during this season, there is targeted emphasis on making sure that families in need have the perfect turkey dinner or the children of those family have something to open on Christmas. To donate to any cause is admirable and feels good; unfortunately this does little to nothing to solve the problems of poverty and homelessness that exists in our communities and in our state year-round.  Now where does help for families in need come from the other 363 - non-holiday - days of the year? This is what you and I should be thinking about every day of the year.

Homelessness has crept closer to the comfort zone in many of our lives.  The loss of a job - or maybe even two - has put many families into a tailspin and forced them into worst case scenarios where they no longer have a roof over their heads.  Children that are considered our future find themselves without a place to call home when home and routine is what they need the most to develop.

According to a 2010 State Report Card on Child Homelessness produced by The National Center on Family Homelessness there are 4,400 children who become homeless every day! 

For me, the thought of wanting the best for my children yet struggling day after day to find a safe place to sleep at night makes me nauseous.  For thousands of children in the USA this is their daily life. According to this same report, Alaska had 7,272 homeless children in 2010. This situation is unacceptable and with current temperatures in many of our communities far below zero degrees this is situation that is also inhumane.

Non-profit organizations are always ready to accept donations. Non-profits who are dealing with the fallout surrounding increased homelessness have even more monetary needs today. Yes it is good to recognize and contribute to these organizations during the holidays but they need even more financial help during the other 10 months of year. Please consider making a donation that is spread over 12 months of the year. This gives you the comfort of making more manageable donations and also allows your organizations of choice to forecast their income better.

As the year 2012 continues to move forward I hope that you will seriously consider where you commit your charitable donations. A simple way to start your donations for the year is to commit a portion of your PFD.  

I hope that the needs of our young fellow citizens are also part of your consideration in your 2012 giving plan. Children are our future and for many children their future looks cold and bleak at best.

To learn more about Alaska's homeless youth, check out Kids These Days! Show 54: Homeless Youth in Alaska.

ONLY IN THE recent years of my life have I discovered and acknowledged how much of a mentor my father has been in my life. 

My father mentored me by exemplifying certain values in his life. He showed me strong work ethic by being routinely early for his shifts and being dedicated to his position. Get your work done first son and then you can play! He showed me the importance of education by enrolling my brother and I in private schools and holding us accountable for our academic performance.  This school is going to cost your mother and I a lot of money, but I think it is worth the sacrifice we will need to make. He showed comfort in his skin and appreciation for what we had in our lives. We may not wear the newest fashion of clothes and have the most current vehicles but we have what we need.

Flashback! - Steve, dad and brother in the early 80's

My father’s mentorship provided me with a firm foundation and the skills to find other mentors throughout my life. My list of mentors includes, teachers, instructors, clergy, family, friends, supervisors, co-workers and community members. I feel very fortunate that I have had at least one mentor in every stage of my life.

The humbling transition of becoming a parent immediately made me aware of the fact that I needed mentors in this stage, too. I have been fortunate to find some father mentors through a father’s playgroup, a father’s support group and fathers that I have met through the daycare our son attends, as well.

Through all these ages and stages of my life so far I have experienced the strong power of mentorship - it has guided my life in a positive direction and made it possible for me to avoid some of the pitfalls and detractions of life.

Steve and his dad today

January is Mentoring Month is Alaska. There are many children in our neighborhoods that attend the same schools as our children, who are teammates or band-mates of our teenagers; some of these kids in our communities do not have one strong mentor in their life - and they might be actively seeking one.

Being a mentor to a child can being as easy as including your child’s friend in activities with your family: hiking, biking, skiing, fishing, camping, picking blueberries, or even attending a music festival. Parents can also become a mentor by volunteering at a daycare, assisting in school projects or fundraisers, become involved in a club, or volunteering to coach a team.  

There is Big Brother Big Sisters of Alaska whose sole purpose is to connect adults with children and create a mentorship possibility. This is an opportunity to become a mentor in a safe and monitored program that will benefit the adult and the child!

I want the friends and contacts that surround our sons to have strong mentors in their lives. I also want all of those children seeking a mentor to have the opportunity to experience this unique relationship. Mentoring the children of our state will lead to more grounded youth today and a stronger future for our communities. This is something that you need to do!

DECEMBER: THAT MONTH packed full of timeless traditions is over! I am relieved. Our family participated in many of these traditions - celebrating St. Nicks with stockings, Christmas with a tree and numerous decorations around our home, exchanging gifts with family and friends. Holiday music was the common soundtrack at home and our son singing carols made for a sweet sound. We attended holiday parties at work, visited a live nativity, drove around seeking Christmas light displays, and our son caroled with his classmates. We hosted a small Christmas dinner at our home and attended a family-friendly party to celebrate the New Year.

In addition to all of these these activities we have one tradition that was created by my partner and me that is now a staple from year to year.

This tradition was created during our first December together just seven years ago. In our home we noticed that there was a pumpkin that had survived well beyond the harvest holidays, so naturally we decided to drop it off a high spot - a bridge - on the first day of the New Year. The initial purpose of this activity was that it would be fun and it was! We then recognized that we should have another purpose if we were going to continue this event, so we decided that the pumpkin should represent all of the negativity of the past year. Letting go of it would be our way of putting it beyond and behind us.

The second year of participating in this newly created tradition proved to be challenging as we were in the middle of a long-term road trip. But, our tradition survived. Just 2 days into the New Year we dropped a pumpkin off a causeway in Tampa, Florida. This pumpkin had traveled with us at least 4,000 miles!

Living at sea level for the duration of this ritual has created a challenge. Finding "dropping locations" - a bridge that we haven't yet used or a high spot accessible in the winter to a young family - can be tough. Nevertheless, we’ve been successful in finding a different place every year to release the old year's negativity.

This year the opportunity to continue our tradition on January 1st eluded us but we made the time on the second day of the year. This year our oldest son noticed the pumpkin hanging around our home beyond the fall and this was our opportunity to talk to him about the tradition. He also actively participated in the dropping of the pumpkin and saying good-bye to it. It warmed my heart to see him excited and engaged in this tradition because now that he's participated it truly feels like a family tradition.

My hope for you is that you can build on the challenges of the previous year releasing the negativity. Now let’s see what experiences 2012 has to offer us!

Steve SueWing regularly blogs at www.AkDad.com

I ENJOY TRACKING the physical and mental growth in our children, their changing engagement in activities. I know other parents that follow these changes too because it is often the topic of our conversations.

Christmas is a good time of the year to gauge changes that have occurred in the previous year by watching how they embrace the special activities of the holiday.

Memorable events of last year’s holiday for our 2 ½ year old son:

• Any live music held his attention until we could convince him to move-on.
• He wanted to watch Santa from a safe distance but had no interest in interacting with him – yes, even in exchange for candy.
• No interest in crafting a letter to Santa.
• There was some interest in the Christmas tree but no interest in helping hang the ornaments.
• Christmas lights and decorations are something that would attract and hold his attention frequently.
• He talked about the holiday train set in a business window almost daily and we visited whenever we could.
• Most memorable holiday moment: About 1/3 of the way through opening his presents on Christmas day he walked around the living room shouting: “No more presents!”  It was 17 days after Christmas when we finally coaxed him into opening his last present that he received for Christmas.

Memorable happenings of this holiday (so far) at 3 ½ years-old:

• He is noticing how quickly the days get dark!
• Music and dancing are still a favorite activity to watch. He is also singing constantly in preparation for his class caroling.
• Santa is still revered from a distance.
• He expressed interest and participated in crafting a letter to Santa.
• He was excited about picking out a Christmas tree and he willingly participated in decorating the tree.
• He notices and acknowledges holiday lights but only when we are actively looking for them.
• We have only visited the holiday train set a few times with little mention of it.
• He has participated with zest in crafting gifts for family, teachers, and friends.
• We visited a live nativity experience and he enjoyed it so much we visited again!
• His mother’s birthday was just celebrated and he participated in the gift opening and was looking for more. We are hoping that this leads to more gifts opened on Christmas day

There is no replacement to seeing the holiday through a child’s changing eyes!  I hope you all enjoy these final moments of the year by enjoying and appreciating time with family, friends, and community.

WE WERE CONFUSED! Our well-spoken 3-year old started talking about automobiles. “Chick Hix is green and he is the fastest race car!” What?

Then we figured it out: The sequel to that first Cars movie was about to be released. The marketing for this movie had gotten to our home by word of toddler mouth. Our son’s peers at daycare had introduced him to some of the vehicle characters and names, and now he was bringing these new characters home to his parents. He’d been exposed to an encompassing franchise with endless items just waiting to be exchanged for our money. I am quite sure that many of the child’s conversations at school revolved around what types of automobiles they were, what their names were, and most definitely; which was the fastest!

As new parents in this situation we did not want him to be left out in the conversations and interactions that most of his peers were having, so on the next trip to the store we bought him some Cars-themed toys.

Since these initial toys were purchased we have now seen the sequel to the first movie in the theater, purchased more cars, themed tooth-brushes, puzzles, activity books, juice boxes and the sequel on DVD. We even hosted a themed party for the DVD release of the sequel. As someone who enjoys thinking that I have created a world that is immune to such direct attacks of consumerism I feel like a sucker!

This phenomenon happened very quickly – at one moment my son was talking about automobiles that he heard about from his peers, then within a short week many of our discussions at meals, in the car, and beyond centered on the characters and what happened in the movie.

The Cars were everywhere. I took pictures to prove to myself (and to others) that we were defenseless against such a barrage. I knew all this – but I bought the toys anyway.

Marketing to my child now sets him up to be an active consumer as an adult - I understand this. I also know that as much as we try to shield him and his brother from such sophisticated marketing plans we cannot fully protect them. Having this example of how quickly these methods are put into motion has made me more vigilant about recognizing when we are under marketing-attack again. This experience has shown me that I need to educate myself more about media literacy so that I can in turn help him cope with the constants of marketing in our lives. This one is now on my ever-growing Top Priorities list.

AS A CHILD I remember pining after the delivery of the thick and heavy Sears Catalog that would arrive in October or early November. I spent so much time studying those catalogs that the smell of ink still takes me back to those pages! There was a football set that I wished for year after year and when the catalog arrived I'd check to see if it was still available. If it was I could make the case, again, to my parents of how much fun this could be in my backyard games with my friends and neighbors. I never got it for Christmas.

I am glad that my parents never bought me the football set. This taught me that I couldn't always have what I wanted. Now looking back on this wish that was never granted it also taught me to be thoughtful with my money. My parents had a limited amount of resources and they did not want to invest in a play football set that could potentially create more challenges. In making my Christmas list I circled the items I wanted from Santa and at least one of them would eventually appear under the Christmas tree.

The lesson of delayed gratification and/or no gratification is an essential life-lesson. Living in Southeast Alaska often continues the lesson of delayed gratification. Sometimes planes do not take off or land because of the weather or other curious reasons. Occasionally the new gadget that I was assured would arrive on a specific date takes another 3 days to arrive. Barges encounter weather en route to Juneau and miss their tide window. I wait for that furniture shipment a couple more days. “No milk?” That has happened before. Thankfully, it hasn't been in the town where we currently live.

Waitin' and hopin' and wishin'

Our sons are growing up in a world where their new favorite song or this week’s favorite game or this month’s favorite episode of a show is just a touch away. We have the luxury of seeing one another when I am thousands of miles away thanks to technology. This is what they will always know, but I think it is also imperative for us as parents to educate them about delayed gratification. Fortunately, Southeast Alaska often assists us in this education process.

Recently my in-laws traveled to Alaska for the Thanksgiving holiday. For weeks before their arrival we would quiz our oldest son about how many more sleeps until their arrival and what he was going to show them first. The day came and everyone was excited to see them and for them to meet their newest grandson. Everything happened as planned until we were on our way to the airport when we received a call.

“We are delayed on the ground in Sitka.” My son was very distraught at the news. “When is their plane going to come? I want their plane to land!” We explained about the weather conditions, safety and the pilot’s need to make the best decision for the passengers and the plane. After one and a half hours of waiting at home, checking the internet and making a couple of more phone calls our son and his mother began their trip to the airport. This time their plane landed and my son ran to embrace them.

The change of schedule forced our son to be patient for the reunion with his grandparents and he had to be flexible to the reality that we needed to wait longer. This was also an opportunity for him to discover (and for us to discuss) that there are many things in life that are out of our control. As a parent it is easy to strive for quick fixes and solutions to life's challenges as they get thrown at our children. But then I remember that football set and know that learning to wait can give our children something that no catalog could ever sell.